Villain Therapy
by Rethira
Summary: Co-written by Rethira and Amanemaniac. When Tony Stark came up with the idea to give villains therapy, he never realised how traumatic it would be.
1. Introductions

Okay, before you go any further, this is made of crack. It could be crack if crack was made of writing. And I wrote it with Amanemaniac.

Warnings: crack, slash/yaoi, weirdness, crack, Seppi helped write this (and she's... Seppilicious), slash/yaoi, possibly offensive material. Oh and OOC. Yes, lots of OOC.

Disclaimer: We do not own any characters from Marvel Comics or DC. We make no money from this. Just happies.

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**Villain Therapy**

"So, welcome to the first meeting of Villain's Therapy," Tony Stark, otherwise known as Iron Man began, "and we... well, we hope you can learn... something. Yeah, something. And change your ways. Like I did."

Behind him, Bruce Wayne (usually known as Batman) face-palmed. He knew that he should have done the opening speech. If only so he could be sure that the Joker was actually listening, instead of leering at him. It was bad enough that the Joker was always following him around, but did he have to ogle him too? It was disturbing. More disturbing than Catwoman and that was saying something.

"As he said, you're here to change your ways." Batman said (he preferred Batman these days. What kind of name was Bruce anyway? Not a superhero one, that was for sure). "Iron Man and I are here to supervise. Sometimes Spiderman will also be here, but not too often because he does single therapy for any villains that attack him and his friends and family. So, introduce yourselves."

This, it must be said, caused most of the villains to shift around uncomfortably, as if they were embarrassed to be there. They probably were, because you weren't much of a villain if you attended a Villain's Therapy session.

"In Soviet Russia, Whiplash go first." said the muscled Russian who had built the electric whip suit. "Real name is Ivan Vanko. In Soviet Russia, willains give therapy to heroes."

"I'm sorry, 'willains'?" the Joker asked.

"Yes, willains. Clown man have problem with Soviet Russian pronunciation?" Whiplash cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"Hey hey hey, break it up. No fighting here (unless I'm involved). Got that?" Tony said. The Joker and Whiplash reluctantly moved away from each other.

"He was saying 'villains'." Batman muttered.

"Yes, willains, that is what I said. What is wrong with way Whiplash says willains? Is traditional Soviet Russian way." Whiplash looked honestly confused, something that might have been endearing if he wasn't heavily muscled, shirtless and didn't really like whips.

"Well," the Joker began, licking his lips, "I don't think the Clown Prince needs an introduction."

"And I'm Harley Quinn, the Joker's number One fan!" Harley Quinn cried, bouncing in her chair and almost falling out of it.

"Yes, yes, anyway. As I was saying, I'm here because Batman is. And we're playing a very fun game... called 'Guess How Long before Batman Gets Bent over the Table'." The Joker continued. Batman blushed, although you couldn't tell, what with the mask over his head. Spiderman's head turned towards him, so presumably the emo-spider was looking at Batman (his expression might have looked something like this: o_0). Tony started coughing and his coughs sounded remarkably like someone saying 'gay' and pretend coughing to cover themselves.

"In Soviet Russia, Heimlichs manoeuvre you." Whiplash commented and no-one paid any attention to the sudden, oddly disturbing look in his eyes. No-one. Especially not Tony Stark.

"Yes, well, moving on... you are?" Batman gestured at the next villain.

"You don't remember me, Bats? Aw dude and I got you all those doobies. Aw, man, I wasted a load of stuff on those and you don't even remember my name. It's Scarecrow, dude. I'm only here 'cause the Joker promised to get me the stash." Scarecrow said, shaking his head.

"What stash? We're in 10 Downing Street. There is no stash here." Spiderman pointed out.

"_No stash_? Aw man, you mean I wasted a bus trip for nothing? Well, no worries, I brought my own, just in case. You want some?" he held up a bag, presumably filled with weed or crack or something and waved it around.

"In Soviet Russia, crack gives low. Whiplash need high for later, drink vodka. In Soviet Russia, vodka drink people." This statement attracted more than a few confused looks, but by now everyone was becoming used to Whiplash's one track mind.

"I'm the Riddler and I'm learning professional psychotherapy, so you all ignore me and do what comes naturally. Oh and I'm associated with that Batman. For some reason, my mind powers don't work on him... I wonder why?" the man in the skin-tight green outfit said, waving his question mark shaped stick and looking... fruity.

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone looked to the last member of their congregation who... well, there were no other words for it. He looked gay. He was wearing a green leotard and had a ponytail down to his knees for god's sake.

"Oh, me? Well, I'm Loki, God of Mischief, and I thought this was a gay bar."

There was more silence and then Tony fell over, laughing.

"Oh god, a gay bar? Have you never heard of 10 Downing Street?" he asked, still ROFL-ing.

"It sounds like the name of a gay bar. I mean, Downing? Puh-lease. I have yet to see anyone go down on anyone else and everyone in here is gay." Loki flipped his hair expertly. Tony stopped ROFL-ing.

"I'm sorry, gay? Me? Really? Jarvis, me, gay?" he turned to his butler (what, you thought Jarvis was a computer? _No. _Meet Jarvis Mark I, the wholly human base design for Jarvis Mark II. Jarvis usually worked as Tony's butler).

"Possible, sir. Drink?" Jarvis offered a drink on a silver tray and elsewhere in the building Alfred laughed, secure in the knowledge that this year he would be winning the Butler of the Year Award, instead of that young upstart.

"_Really?_ Huh. Should I?" he asked Jarvis. Jarvis looked pained.

"Why are you asking me sir?" the butler asked. Tony levelled a look at him and shook his head.

"Not fooling anyone Jarvis." Tony said.

"Oh neither are you, darling." Loki laughed and Tony glared at him.

"Okay, so ignoring Loki, everyone else is here to learn how to change their ways." Batman began, vainly trying to steer them away from questioning each other's sexuality (what do you mean insecure? Bruce Wayne had a new girl hanging off his arm every day, he'll have you know).

"I'm not! I'm here because the Joker's here!" Harley Quinn said, rocking insanely on her chair.

"And I'm here because Charlie the Unicorn's here. Candy Mountain, Charlie, Candy Mountain!" cackled Scarecrow. He was probably high and hallucinating, but that wasn't exactly surprising, given the amount of hash in his bag. He groped the air in front of him at the imaginary figures.

"I'm just watching, remember? Not spying, no, just... watching. To learn. I want to be a psychotherapist." The Riddler said, not looking shifty in the least.

"Well that still leaves us with Whiplash and the Joker here legitimately, right?" Spiderman said, because he'd been quiet for a while and was getting bored.

"Oh no, I'm here for some of that sweet Bat-Ass." The Joker said, laughing and laughing and laughing and... laughing.

"Whiplash here for fun... in Soviet Russia." Whiplash agreed (possibly. Deciphering his sometimes cryptic Soviet Russia comments would soon become an Olympic Sport and oddly, Iron Man would always win the gold).

"...does that mean that none of you are here to actually reform?" emo-spider asked. The villains all looked at each other for a moment and then turned to look at him.

"Yes." The said in unison.

"Great, let's get hammered." Tony said.

"Great! Let's call Mad Hatter! He'll have some booze," Scarecrow suggested excitedly.

Batman facepalmed again.

"Aww what's up Bats, feeling a little stressed? Let me loosen you up a bit," The Joker wriggled in his seat and his tongue lashed out like a snake's. Batman flinched as Joker began laughing.

"We are supposed to be having a guest speaker...but he's not here yet..." Batman tried to divert their attention.

"So why waste time? Let's make things interesting..." Loki swiped a pack of cards from Joker's pocket, "strip poker?"

A web struck out and confiscated the pack of cards. "That is not a valid form of therapy."

"Shut it Spidey, no one wants you here. I mean, where are your villains? Oh, not here, 'cause they are pussies that couldn't handle," Loki paused, "the heat..."

Spiderman was probably scowling under his mask.

"Hey Spidey, before we get things started, can you show me where the toilet is? I don't think I could last the next...hour or so." Loki fluttered his eyelashes innocently. They left.

"Well he's fucked." Everyone agreed with Whiplash surprised it hadn't begun with a Soviet Russia reference. "In Soviet Russia willains fuck Spiderman. No pussy willains in Soviet Russia."

Tony cleared his throat, "swiftly moving on, what do you want to achieve being here despite all of you having ulterior motives?"

"Well obviously I'm just here to uh..." Joker licked his lips, "stalk my prey...hehehe."

Harley, seeming a bit pained to hear this said, "I want relationship advice...WAIT-"

"In Soviet Russia relationship advises you."

"That's not a proper reason Whip-" began Batman.

"No!" Tony interrupted furiously, "That's reason enough."

"I here to take Ironing Man back to Soviet Russia, because in Soviet Russia willains fuck heroes."

"Come here pretty unicorn, I need my socks back!" Scarecrow began to clamber over the desk and stumbled, his face landing in Harley's cleavage. Harley yelped and took out a mallet and smacked the stoner away...right in the face.

"That chick is trippy."

"Hey no weapons here!" and Batman leapt for Harley. Joker burst out laughing and Tony was still unnerved by Whiplash's comment. A thin film of sweat began to form on his brow.

Harley batted at her breasts furiously as if though a foul dust had formed there. Batman was stretching out for Harley's mallet when Joker sneakily reached out and pinched his backside. He burst out in laughter again as the Dark Knight shot up and grabbed his buttocks defensively.

Harley let out a growl of frustration and stormed out.

"In Soviet Russia I would not go there if I were you."

But Harley persisted. Batman returned to his chair and sat down, still feeling violated. Harley then came back in. "I'll go back later..." she looked as if she had seen a ghost.

Whiplash sniggered. Joker smiled mischievously at Batman. "Loki's the God of Mischief not you Joker!"

Joker shrugged innocently. It wasn't like he felt bad about molesting Batman. He was, after all, evil and proud of it. He even had a badge proclaiming that fact, like most of the other villain present. Not that any of the heroes knew about those badges (well, Spiderman probably did by now, but he was in no position to talk about it). Oh yes, the Villains and Proud (VAP) society was one of the best kept villainous secrets ever.

"Jarvis, I think I need that drink now." Tony said. His butler appeared out of nowhere by his side.

"Certainly, sir." Jarvis replied, giving Tony his drink and glaring at Alfred. Soon Alfred would taste his own medicine, when Batman asked Alfred for his drink. Then they'd see who would win the Butler of the Year award.

They heard a crash and a groan from outside. Joker sniggered.

"Sounds like they're having a good time," suggested Riddler, "hem, I mean, this shouldn't be allowed to happen in psychotherapy!"

"In Soviet Russia, psychos give therapy."

Alfred brought in a silver platter, covered. He placed it in the middle of the table. "Thought you might want some food for thought." He gracefully removed the lid and underneath...

Out of nowhere came dramatic music, and the dramatic chipmunk turned...and stared.

"Dun dun DUN!"


	2. The Leprechauns Attack

We're ba~ck!

Warnings: crack, rudeness, some politicians, more crack, yaoi/slash stuff and more crack.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Marvel or DC comics and I make no money from any fanfiction.

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Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Everyone stopped staring at the dramatic chipmunk and looked in the direction of the door. Alfred and Jarvis both moved with their super butler speed (no-one, not even Batman himself knew why butlers all either moved incredibly quickly or incredibly slowly) to try and open the door. Unfortunately, Alfred was just that much faster and opened the door, to let in... The Mad Hatter. He ran inside and into the meeting room. Scarecrow leapt across the room to glomp Mad Hatter.

"Dude," Scarecrow began, "YOU FOUND MY SOCKS!"

"I sure did, laddie! And lots of pots of gold! Leprechauns! Bring in the gold!" Mad Hatter cried. Several actual leprechauns (made by Mad Hatter in a moment of absolute genius) skipped inside, carrying beer kegs.

Batman raised an eyebrow (well, only he knew that, because of the mask) and then facepalmed again when all the villains and Tony took a keg.

"You really shouldn't Tony." Batman said. "Alfred, where did the food go?"

Alfred looked blank, as did everyone else. It was almost as if no-one remembered the dramatic chipmunk.

"In Soviet Russia, dramatic chipmunk is household pet." Whiplash said, but everyone ignored _that_ because... well, they were getting used to Whiplash saying very weird things.

Scarecrow began dancing with the leprechauns and bumped kegs with everyone. "You found me pot o' gold!" a Leprechaun on Scarecrow's shoulder told him.

"D-do you have any...Lucky Charms?" he asked with hazy eyes.

"I might do lad, but first you need to need to give that man lots of booze..." he pointed towards Tony, "Lots and lots of booze." He let out a little Irish chuckle.

"Bats lighten up, this was never going to work anyway," Tony laughed as he swayed in his seat.

Batman's hand might as well have been glued to his face as he repeatedly facepalmed. "Tony we don't want to encourage..._them,_ they're bad enough sober!"

"Pft, when have we ever lost?" he let out a slightly hysterical laugh, "They can't do anything." He did a loud burp and then Scarecrow approached him.

"Moar beer?" he asked thrusting a keg in Tony's face.

Tony leapt up and hugged Scarecrow. "Aw thank you man, why can't _you _be my villain?" he slumped back in his seat, a fresh keg in hand. Batman tried to confiscate it when the Joker approached him from behind (ooer).

"Bats," he said as tenderly as he could, sloppily trying to hug him, "why must we fight? Make love not war." This earned a twitching eye from Batman and he slowly but firmly pushed the Joker away.

"Why don't you go after someone who actually likes you? Go after Harley."

The Joker took a step back and laid his hand over his heart. "You cut me deep Bats. Real deep. I think it's only fair I make the score even...later."

Loki and Spiderman returned to the room.

"My god that was a long toilet break. Did you have something stuck up your arse?" Everyone started sniggering.

"I must've got a bit lost," Loki replied innocently, a mischievous smile creeping across his face.

Spiderman held his butt and walked in a rather peculiar way. Under that mask he was grimacing...a grimace that marked the physical...and mental scarring.

"In Soviet Russia, we have toast for when boy becomes man," Whiplash held up his keg, "a toast to Spiderman's broken anus."

Batman (yep you guessed it) facepalmed and Tony gagged, nearly choking on his drink. Everyone else cheered, except for Spidey... "To Spidey's broken anus!"

Loki crept up behind Spiderman and nudged his newly conquered behind. "Call me," he whispered and winked at the masked man.

Spidey was dragged into the turmoil and he gladly accepted a drink...but then it turned into something more. Alfred slipped Bats a drink. Jarvis glared from a corner. The Riddler and Spidey had been talked into a drinking contest (Spidey pulled up half his mask, if he had revealed his whole face the world would see the terror in his eyes as to what he just experienced). Everyone surrounded, chanting "Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" Batman desperately tried to stop them, finding that his coordination was slightly hampered. It must be the fumes from Scarecrow's stash.

Tony joined in.

Batman pleaded with them half not knowing what he was saying. Then he was groped by the clown. "Hey Bats I think it's about time I settle the score with you don't you think? You need to lighten up."

Harley burst over to them and shoved her breasts in Batman's face. "You can spend the night with me Bats, I think this therapy has opened my eyes to my love of you."

Joker gave Harley a 'nice try' look and Harley gave an evil stare back. The Leprechauns danced in circles on the table as Spidey and Riddler chugged...and chugged...and Whiplash loomed over Tony as he chugged...and chugged.

Spiderman was on his 4th pint and as he proceeded to down it, he leaned further and further back, until he fell backwards on to the floor, passed out, mouth wide open.

The Riddler stood up victoriously and waved his hands in the air.

"Ah ah ah lycra man! You still have me to beat!" shouted Tony.

"And Soviet Russia," Whiplash settled down at the table with a keg in hand.

Tony seemed a bit terrified but the alcohol had clouded his care.

The Riddler went out on his next keg. Tony refused to lose to Whiplash, until the Russian subdued him to complete drunkenness and he passed out on the floor laughing feebly.

"You stay away from my Bats," Joker growled at Harley.

"Why do you show me so much hate when I show you nothing but love?" Harley tried to hug the Joker, "Please Puddin', I love you!"

Joker pushed her away violently and she crashed into Jarvis. She didn't care, rose while letting out a growl of frustration then lashed out at the Joker. Their hands became a frenzy of fingers and palms trying to hit one another. The Joker landed a bitch-slap to Harley's cheek and she screamed in anger trying to hit back. Bats tried to intervene, and a group of Leprechauns gathered, cheering at the bitch-fight.

Loki was making out with a drunk, but now conscious Spiderman and Spidey was too drunk to know what the hell was going on.

Scarecrow set fire to a bookshelf, because the leprechaun told him to, and the Mad Hatter threw some beer on to it, laughing maniacally.

The Riddler was slowly crawling to an exit only to pass out in the doorway between the therapy room and the hall.

Jarvis attended to the fire while Alfred gave Batman more drinks in an attempt to calm him down, but it only made him worse. Harley had scratched Joker's face with her nails and her cheek was purple from his pimp-slap.

Whiplash picked up Tony and half-conscious he was trying to resist contact with the muscular Russian. "I keep you safe Ironing Man, you are drunk like little boy on his first drink of vodka. In Soviet Russia, we drink vodka from age of four."

"Go Scarecrow, burn more things! Put that lighter to other uses!" encouraged the leprechaun on Scarecrow's shoulder.

"But you said I could have lucky charms now."

"Burn things laddie or I'll bite yer bloody ears off!"

Scarecrow ran over to Mad Hatter crying and told him of the threats the leprechaun had made.

"Ah Crow-man, Aidan is a lovely leprechaun, he only wants to have fun."

Aidan smiled and chuckled. "Burn things...it'll make you feel good."

So Scarecrow set a rug, chair and pencil on fire and attempted to set Batman's cape on fire but Joker seized him. Jarvis ran round fanatically while Tony now sat slumped against a wall laughing stupidly, watched by Whiplash. Alfred tried to keep Batsy away from the Joker but to no avail. The Joker gets what he wants.

Whiplash whispered (well he thought he was. In Soviet Russia, if you listen to whisper, you die) in Tony's ear, and as time passed Tony's eyes grew wider with disgust and surprise until he finally screamed "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!" and he desperately squirmed across the floor away from Whiplash, unable to stand in his drunken state.

Well Batman, talking in Shakespeare type lingo, was lamenting about his lost family and how he has to fight villains. "All I do is protect the civilians! And then they CAST me aside like a peasant, oh woe is me!" and he started sobbing. "Alas poor Harvey, I knew him..." then he cried into Alfred's shoulder.

"I'm DRUNK!" proclaimed Batsy, and then promptly collapsed to the floor.

This time Alfred facepalmed for him. "Oo a helpless Bats!" cried Joker, "I'll help him!" and he leapt towards the passed out hero (and the rest is history)...

Harley bawled her eyes out in the corner as she saw Joker was now not going to give her any attention-he just wanted Bats! Ahh drunken tears...(cough)

Then very unexpectedly (but then again is anything expected here?) in walked...Nick Clegg.

"By gad! What on earth is going on here?" he exclaimed.

Tony tugged at Clegg's trouser leg. "I rented it for the night..." then he started giggling.

Clegg turned to the right and saw Loki and Spiderman making out. "My dear woman, this is a place of politics, not of love."

Loki turned around and scowled at Clegg.

"Oh I do beg your pardon, sir. It's just the hair-"

"Oh _please _darling it doesn't bother me. Your face is too cute for that." He let out a high pitched laugh.

"W-what?"

"Come on sir we're getting out of here," Jarvis was escorting Tony out of the room.

"NOT WITH LASHWHI- errr WHIPSHLA-" and then he gave up and began laughing again.

Alfred was dragging out Bats with a Joker clinging on to the hero's leg. Loki sidled up to Clegg.

"Say, you look perfect for my taste, want to get to know each other?" Loki growled.

"Uhm, sorry mada- sir, I'm not gay."

Loki stared at him for a moment then burst out laughing. "Sure you keep telling yourself that darling." Loki escorted him over to a sofa.

"What the hell happened to the rug? And why are the leprechauns everywhere? And beer?"

Loki offered him a 'pot o' gold' and Clegg refused. Spiderman ran, well, stumbled for it out of the building while he was free. Left were Harley, The Riddler, Loki, Clegg, Mad Hatter and Scarecrow with Aidan.

"Hey, laddie, the tree of us should," and the rest Aidan whispered in Scarecrow's ear.

Harley and The Riddler supported each other and slowly made it to the exit. Clegg watched them leave, morbidly fascinated by the entire series of events that had occurred while he had been fascinated. He then turned back around and looked up at the remaining villains (and Aidan).

"Well, my dear, I suppose I must be on my way. If you ever get lonely, give this number a call and ask for Loki. My irritating brother Thor might answer, but that is of no matter. Until next time." Loki said dramatically, scribbling a mobile number onto a scrap of paper. He pressed a quick kiss to Clegg's cheek (leaving a smear of red lipstick behind) and then sashayed outside.

This left Clegg alone with the Mad Hatter, Scarecrow and several insane, pyromaniac leprechauns. There was also a large quantity of booze scattered around.

"Um." Clegg began.

"Shut up dude! Unless you know where Gordon Brown's stash is? Please say you do, I can't see the rainbow ponies anymore." Scarecrow interrupted.

"Shut up laddie!" Aiden yelled, whacking Scarecrow round the head. "Now, Cleggy-Weggy, what do you say to a good old fashioned drinking game?"

Clegg sighed expressively. "I don't have a choice, do I?" he asked.

"No you don't laddie! We'll have you under the table afore you can say 'top o' the morning to ya'!" Aiden replied cheerfully. The other leprechauns laughed and then began singing.

"In the merry month of May, from my home I started, left the girls of Tuam, nearly broken hearted, Saluted father dear, kissed my darlin' mother, drank a pint of beer," they sang merrily, "my grief and tears to smother, then off to reap the corn, and leave where I was born, I cut a stout blackthorn, to banish ghost and goblin, in a brand new pair of brogues, I rattled o'er the bogs, and frightened all the dogs, on the rocky road to Dublin."

And so it was, with heavy heart and insanely fast Irish song playing in his head, that Nick Clegg sat down beside a high Scarecrow and a drunk Mad Hatter to begin the drinking contest to end all drinking contests.

* * *

_One, two, three, four five,  
Hunt the hare and turn her  
Down the rocky road  
And all the ways to Dublin,  
Whack-fol-lol-de-ra._

Nick Clegg woke slowly and confusedly. It took him a few seconds to place where he was, and by then it was too late.

"Clegg have you seen-OH MY GOD! Why are you naked and handcuffed to the curtain rail? What have you been _doing? _You're mooning the-the-the rest of the street!"

Clegg almost wished that the leprechauns were still there, so that he would have an excuse. This would not go well.

* * *

The song is 'Rocky Road to Dublin' by the way and is a product of my (our) slight Sherlock Holmes obsession.

_Rethira and AmaneManiac_


	3. A Wild X Man Appeared!

Sorry for the delay on this one, life has been a bit hectic lately. Anyway, we hope you enjoy it.

Warnings: Making fun of politicians, mentions of drug/alcohol abuse, various slashy things, Loki being very, very gay and some bad language.

Disclaimer: Neither I, nor AmaneManiac own any characters from the Marvel Universe or from the DC universe. We are simply borrowing them and aren't making any money from this.

* * *

It seemed like a normal enough day to begin with. But then it became clear that actually, some superheroes and supervillains had taken over the White House for a therapy session. Yeah. Apparently, they needed somewhere everyone knew. And Spiderman had _still_ managed to get lost (at least, that's what he was saying. If you believed Tony, then Spiderman was being a wuss and refusing to come because of what had happened last time). Of course, the problem with Spiderman bailing was that they had fewer superheroes to deal with the villains (not that Tony or Batman would say they couldn't cope) so they'd been forced to call in a favour from another universe and the X-Men were on their way.

Also, Captain America. He greeted them at the door and made several pointed remarks about not trashing the White House.

"Yeah, and who's going to notice? I'm betting that Mr President would be absolutely thrilled to get smashed with us." Tony replied.

"We're not getting drunk this time, Tony. Alfred is on strict orders not to tamper with any drinks. Aren't you Alfred?" Batman said, staring at Alfred. The butler nodded and then flipped his newspaper up. The headline read 'NICK 'SEX AND DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL' CLEGG STILL CAUGHT IN DOWNING STREET 'MOON'LIGHTING SCANDAL'. Batman knew he should feel guilty over that, but it wasn't _his_ fault that Scarecrow and Mad Hatter had got him both drunk and high (okay, yes, he should've taken the drugs away because drugs are bad, but _you_ try explaining to a guy whose brain has been basically fried why he can't have his drugs or 'happy stash' anymore). And well, first rule of leprechauns: don't argue with leprechauns. They had ways of getting back at you.

"Hey, Bruce, look. You can't not provide booze. In case you're forgetting, we have Logan and the other X-Men coming over and Logan likes his drink." Tony pointed out.

"We're not having any drink apart from water and possibly milkshakes. And I hope you've talked to Jarvis about spiking my drinks."

Tony lifted his hands up in surrender and at that moment the door was flung open. He immediately ducked under a desk and listened to who the new arrival was.

"Where's Stark bub? I didn't come here to talk to a..._DC_."

"Logan," Storm interrupted, "we are here together, we have made an alliance for this cause."

Logan growled and strode over to a window and Tony slowly emerged. He let out a sigh of relief as he realised there was no Whiplash. They were in the waiting room for the President's office and the people who were supposed to be waiting... well they were out in the garden. The room was adorned with contemporary art pieces, plant pots, the secretary's desk and several luxurious sofas. Cosy.

Tony sat behind the secretary's desk ready to hide under it at any moment. Rumour had it that Whiplash was stuck in Soviet Russia at a t-shirt convention. So the team to tackle the villains today were Tony, Batman, Captain America, Logan, Storm, Jean and Rogue. They were expecting a few more villains since they were in America (and speak of the devil here they are!). In came Harley, The Joker, Loki, Toad, Magneto and Mystique. Alfred and Jarvis glared at each other from opposite corners of the room.

Tony relaxed as he discovered there was no Whiplash. He beamed to the room. "Villains! Please take a seat and just ask Jarvis if you need anything."

"Or Alfred."

"You gonna get off your face again Starky?" The Joker laughed. He waved cutely at Batman and Batman averted his gaze quickly.

"Well _hello _there, fresh meat," Loki stretched out his fingers like a tiger, "rawr big fella, you in to bestiality?"

Logan snarled back. "Where the hell did this freak come from? Surely he's not a villain?"

"_Oh _but honey, villainy needs some style, and that happens to be me." He flicked his ponytail. "I'll chat to _you_ later."

Harley sat in silence, arms crossed, pouting. Well, Toad sat on the ceiling, peering at everyone. Magneto fiddled with a piece of metal in front of him, warping it into different shapes and Mystique sat next to Harley, looking as bleak as her.

Tony clapped his hands together, "Right let's begin."

"But I can't start that quickly!" Loki protested.

"He didn't mean that. No-one meant that. Here, have some water." Batman intervened. Alfred appeared with a glass of water. Loki smiled flirtatiously and accepted it.

"Okay, so what are you guys going to talk to _them_ about?" Logan asked. He pointed at the villains.

"Don't take that tone with me, Wolverine." Magneto hissed, pinning Logan to the floor. Logan growled, but couldn't actually move otherwise.

"Oh, kinky." Loki commented.

Batman facepalmed (is that a bruise forming on his face?).

"So what are we talking about?" asked The Joker.

"I know, who here is a virgin? She _so _isn't," Loki pointed at Jean. She opened her mouth in offense.

"What are you saying I'm a slut?"

"Darling, puh-lease, someone with your looks could get anyone, I bet you've even batted for the other side once or twice," Loki winked.

"As opposed to someone who sticks to dicks because he can't attract a woman?"

"Hun, I don't _try _to attract women, I've always liked a bit of tush," he smiled at Logan, "girls are too whiney for my taste, they moan like bitches."

Jean clenched her fists. "At least we have emotions."

Rogue gave a cautious look at Jean. Tony suddenly jumped up and stood in-between the pair of them.

"Okay, much as I would love to watch you two bitch fight for the rest of the evening, I think that we should really get a move on. Before the Joker manages to get Batman's mask off and get him into the bedroom. 'Cuz if they get that far, they are not coming out. I mean, have you seen the size of the beds in this place? Okay, they're not as big as my beds – that is _not_ an invitation by the way – but they're all stuffed with goose feathers and stuff." Tony paused. Everyone was staring at him. "Oh, like you had any better ideas for getting Bitchy McNag-Nag and the Spiderman Molester to stop their little cat fight."

"I could have had Mystique distract both of them by turning into dear Wolverine here." Magneto pointed out.

"So why didn't you?" Tony asked.

"I sense a threesome." Loki said at the same time.

"With who?" Logan growled out slowly.

"Why, you of course, and me and Mystique as you. It would be _divine_. Literally." Loki laughed.

"Can we _please_ stop talking about Loki's sex life? We're meant to be talking about discrimination." Batman groaned.

"Is someone discriminating against you Bats? If they are... I'll have to put a smile on their face." the Joker laughed.

"Um, no, that won't be needed. Seeing as we've got everyone here now, we'll begin. As villains, you are all the subject of much prejudice and discrimination. You can talk about and share your experiences here." Batman said, not looking at the Joker.

For a few moments, there was silence. And then, slowly, Harley raised her hand.

"Mr B, does this mean... does this mean no-one loves me?" she asked. Batman would have winced... but the Joker was watching him very closely and it was kind of unnerving. He shrugged.

"I guess not." he replied. Harley promptly burst into tears.

"I just want to be loved!" she wailed, sobbing increasingly loudly. Storm got up to comfort her while all the villains ignored her – Loki was busy doing his nails. Logan rolled his eyes.

"Mutants have dealt with discrimination for a long time," began Magneto, clenching his fists, "but soon mutants will overtake the human population."

"Is there anything you would like to share about it?" asked Bats.

Magneto shot him a look that would kill him if looks could kill...twice.

"Ok I'll take that as a no. Moving swiftly on, Toad do you have anything to add?" he asked looking up at the ceiling.

Toad slowly stuck out his tongue. "I. Don't. Care." He whipped his tongue back in.

"Oooo what a marvellously large tongue you have," remarked Loki. He winked at Toad.

Toad cocked an eyebrow. "No."

"Aww not even for a bit of fun?"

"Loki, you seem very confident. Is it just a mask for all the discrimination you have experienced?" Bats was determined to steer away from Loki's sexual chats.

"Hah! I don't need to be loved, I am a _god_, and I can get anything I want, even _you _if I wanted."

"You stay away from my Bats!" yelled Joker, lunging at Loki with a knife.

Magneto twisted the blade out of Joker's hand and flung it in front of Tony, landing in-between his fingers which were resting on the desk.

"Jesus Christ! Keep your powers under control!" yelled Tony yanking back his hand.

"If I didn't have control that would've gone straight through your hand or...heart."

Tony's eye twitched. "Not my heart again!" he covered his heart protectively.

"Tony get a grip!" (Tony half expected Batman to slap him around the face)

"Ok...calm...phew...how about you Mystique?"

She hissed and transformed into Whiplash, jumping up to Tony. "I don't need to waste my breath on the idiocy of humans."

Tony was turning paler by the second. "Oh my God! You all need to chill out!"

Batman facepalmed. "Tony, we're running therapy. Get a hold of yourself!"

"Oooo-" began Loki.

"No! Don't you say anything!"

Loki gave an innocent look. "Why do you assume my mind always goes there?"

Rogue began sniffling in the corner. It probably wasn't the best therapy topic she turned up to. Jarvis passed her a tissue. When Rogue was done he disdainfully took it then flicked it at Alfred. Alfred glared.

"Everyone is accepted in America." Everyone stared at Captain America.

For a long time.

In silence.

"What?" he asked, clueless. (Somewhere in the background Batman facepalmed).

"America...I didn't always live in America...wanna know how I got these scars?" The Joker gestured towards his scarred face.

"Please no..." Bats knew his pleas wouldn't work.

"Well," he licked his lips, "I lived in Happyland before, and they discriminated against me because I was born without a smile on my face. Everyone had a smile etched across their face, natural of course. One day a psychopath escaped from our asylum and found me alone in the park and with a maniacal smile on his face asked, 'why so serious?'. He called me all sorts of names and said I deserved to be punished for not smiling, then," he gestured to his scars, "he did this to me. It was only then the depression plague hit and everyone else had a frown on their face from then, so I couldn't get rid of my smile and therefore suffered more discrimination."

Silence.

"What the _fuck _have you been smoking?" Logan asked, utterly flabbergasted.

"You mean you don't believe me?"

Harley hesitated.

"You're _in love _with _this _guy?" Loki laughed.

"In Soviet Russia, Whiplash was discriminated against."

Everyone turned their heads shocked and Tony sat pale as a ghost, eyes wide. Whiplash towered over him from behind.

"How did you get in here?" Captain America couldn't let anyone past his expert security.

"Window was open so I came in."

"And what the _fuck _are you wearing? Not even I could pull that off!" exclaimed Loki.

Whiplash displayed a jazzberry-pink t-shirt struggling to stay intact across his immense upper body.

"Is from t-shirt convention. They kick me out early because I kept tearing shirts with my Soviet body."

Tony didn't dare turn around.

"This is story of Whiplash..."

* * *

"And that is how it ended...in Soviet Russia."

Everyone was bawling their eyes out, even Tony. Alfred and Jarvis supported each other, Toad, Magneto and Mystique sobbed together, Harley and Jean hugged each other as they cried. Even Logan was crying.

Tony was latched onto Whiplash.

"My god that was a sad story," sobbed Logan.

"It's ok little ironing man, Whiplash no let these things happen to you."

Tony froze. "OHMAIGOAWD!" he shoved Whiplash away, "I don't want to be anywhere near you, you'll..." he shuddered, "I'm not even gonna think about what you told me before."

"Things like that don't happen in America!" yelled Captain America.

"Soviet Russia is not like America. America is backward country."

"Says the guy who comes from a place where 'vodka drink you'? Your country is stupid!"

Whiplash tensed. His jazzberry t-shirt ripped apart. He kicked the desk across the room. "In Soviet Russia you die for insult."

"Yeah well, THIS. IS. CAPITALIST AMERICA!" Captain America karate kicked out at Whiplash only to have Whiplash seize his leg and twist him around up against the window.

"Today, is Soviet Russia," and with that he kicked Captain America out the window.

* * *

Well, we hope you enjoyed it. We enjoyed writing it. :)

_Rethira _and _AmaneManiac_


	4. Occupational Hazards

So, sorry this has taken so long, but real life takes priority. AmaneManiac and I are working on a Christmas Special, which should break some brains, but who cares?

Warnings: crack, language, m/m situations, probably some other stuff too.

Disclaimer: Neither I, nor AmaneManiac, own any Marvel or DC character involved in this madness. We make no profit from this.

* * *

They say that whenever there is an awkward silence a gay baby is born.

Whiplash was now the proud father of one, or maybe a nation due to the severity of the awkwardness.

He turned to face the room at the gawking faces. Batman rushed over to the window to look down at Captain America. 'Alfred, call an ambulance!'

'Ah it would be quicker to get the staff here to take care of it,' suggested Magneto. Jarvis, determined to make Alfred look useless, left the room in search of aid.

'Oh my god what are we going to do?' Batman started flapping around clumsily.

Whiplash seized him and pulled him close. 'Is ok Batty man, he not dead, maybe just maimed for life.'

Whiplash placed Batman standing behind the desk and then took a seat between Mystique and Harley causing a massive dip in the sofa.

'I'm not quite sure what to say. Where were we?' asked Batman.

'Discrimination,' answered Toad.

'Uhm, yes, right, well...'

Rogue burst into tears in the background. Storm comforted her.

'Well done you DC douchebag,' Logan snarled.

'What? She _chose _to come to therapy. It's not my fault the topic is sensitive to her.'

'You wanna take this outside...bub?'

'No, not really.'

'You aren't getting your hands on my Batman, I'm coming too!' yelled Joker.

'Ooo sounds like the beginning of a-'

'NO! Don't say anything,' Tony cut of Loki.

'There _isn't _going to _be _a fight. We aren't going outside; we are staying in here and discussing our experiences of discrimination.'

'Look what you've done now Wolverine,' chided Magneto, 'you really need to sort out that attitude of yours.'

'You can't tell me what to do,' retorted Wolverine taking a step forward.

'Oh but I can,' and he pinned Logan down once more with his powers.

'Won't you just admit this is going to end up as an or-'

'NO LOKI! STOP WITH THE SEX REFERENCES!' Tony shouted, standing up.

'Your therapy session is boring, you can sit down too,' Magneto was about to create some kind of contraption to force Tony down (ooer) when Wolverine leapt forward taking advantage of the distraction. Magneto immediately switched his full powers back on to Logan, but in such frenzy he caused the metal tray Alfred was holding to fling out and smack Tony in the head.

Tony collapsed in a heap on the floor and Whiplash leapt up to the rescue, shouting triumphantly: 'I WILL SAVE YOU IRONING MAN!' scooping him up in his arms and racing out of the room.

"Tony!" Batman yelled, reaching after him. "Oh... damn, damn, now we have _two _injured superheroes."

"Calm down, Bats. They're _superheroes_." The Joker said, draping himself lazily over Batman. The Dark Knight shoved him off and stalked over to the doorway just as Jarvis stumbled in.

"Whiplash," he gasped, "shoved past. Ran down there. Do I want to know what happened, sir? Sir?" he asked, looking around for Tony.

"Tony got whacked in the face with Alfred's tray. I think Whiplash was going to seek medical aid." Batman said.

Jarvis spluttered and all but ran over to Alfred to start what appeared to be a fight, although seeing as they were butlers it was kind of hard to tell. It seemed to involve a lot of glaring and saying 'sir' contemptuously. Well, they were happy at least.

"So, Wolverine, now that all the drama is over, what do you say to dinner? You could wear that lycra outfit you used to wear; I do so like accessibility."

"For the last damn time – NO!" Wolverine growled. Loki tittered to himself and glanced over at the _other _Wolverine. "And what about you my dear? I'm sure that between the pair of us we could convince him to enjoy some of life's finer pleasures, hmm?" he asked.

"Why, Loki, I thought you'd never ask." the other Wolverine – probably Mystique – said, batting his (her?) eyelids flirtatiously. It didn't really work on Wolverine, but hey, Loki didn't care.

"So it was your fault! I'm quite sure that my master will be suing you, you are aware of that, aren't you sir?" Jarvis said angrily, gesticulating at Magneto, who huffed in annoyance.

"It wasn't _my_ fault, that animal over there provoked me." he replied, pointing at Wolverine... who appeared to be doing something with Loki. Oh wait... there was another Wolverine gagging in the corner. Huh. Looked like Mystique was getting some kicks of her own tonight.

Toad, meanwhile, was clinging to the ceiling and laughing so harshly he was banging the ceiling. It was actually kind of painful to laugh, but he couldn't stop.

"Help," he tried to gasp, "help me." But everyone ignored him in favour of thinking about themselves. _Man_, he thought, _superheroes are selfish. I expected it from the villains, but the heroes? Damn._

"Batman," Joker whined, "pay attention to me. Or I'll kill, I don't know, her over there." He pointed towards the X-Men (well, X-_Women_). Batman paused, for just a minute, because of what he saw there. Okay, yes, Storm was comforting a still sobbing Rogue but much more interesting (and weird, don't forget weird) was that Harley had seemingly decided to give up on the Joker and was instead moving on to better prospects; that is, Jean Grey.

"Um. You do know that your, um, Ms Quinn is... with Ms Grey, don't you?" Batman asked the Joker, who was still clinging to his shoulders like some sort of particularly annoying limpet.

"Bats, Bats, Bats. Do I look like I care?" the Joker asked before laughing manically and spinning around to throw something at Toad. It exploded on contact, engulfing the mutant in some sort of gas. "Laugh more!" the Joker cried as he climbed onto Batman's shoulders. The vigilante sighed, thankful that he had a lot of upper body strength and that the Joker wasn't very heavy.

"Oh, Wolvy..." Loki called suddenly. Everyone paused and stared at him and immediately regretted it. Mystique seemed to have been a bit overzealous and had torn up some of Loki's bright yellow skin tight outfit. She (he?) was still draping herself (himself?) over Loki and was idly sucking a hickey onto Loki's neck. She still looked like Wolverine, which made it all the more brain scarring.

It was probably that last bit that made Wolverine emit a very manly scream (he did not sound like a little girl. At all.) and try to run out of the room.

"IRONING MAN NEEDS THIS!" Whiplash suddenly yelled from outside. Batman peered out of the window and watched. The Russian was running out of the White House, Tony lolling around in his arms and coincidentally there was a practise for the Perfectly-Epic-Nonchalant-Idiosyncratic-Scintillating (otherwise known as PENIS) Orchestra on the grounds playing Chariots of fire. Onlookers turned to watch the spectacle, as everything went into slow motion, the garden sprinklers erupted into life and Whiplash shoved his obstacles to the side, while letting out a earth-shaking bellow (remember this is in slow motion), including dragging a maimed Captain America out of an ambulance and shoving Tony into it instead. "WHIPLASH DRIVE NOW, BECAUSE IN SOVIET RUSSIA SPEED LIMIT DRIVE YOU." The paramedics looked all too happy to relinquish their seats.

With a starting speed that left tracks of fire the ambulance careered off. Batman, still watching, facepalmed. In the background Jarvis removed one of his white gloves and slapped Alfred around the face with it. Magneto got up and left, but on his way out grabbed Toad's draping tongue and pulled him off the ceiling and dragged him along. Alfred shoved a cucumber sandwich into Jarvis' mouth, took his glove, and slapped him across the face. Jarvis, assumed a reserved look, spat out the sandwich and suavely removed his bowtie.

'Now the kiddie gloves are off,' he began, removing his other glove and tossing them to the side, 'let's get this started.'

'Ooh having a round of fisticuffs with me?' asked Alfred, undoing his collar button and raising his fists.

They had a stare-off, then Alfred swiftly drew a teacup from behind his back (the power of the Brit) and launched it at Jarvis, knocking his head, causing him to fall at Alfred's feet.

'Alfred!' Batman growled, 'We don't need any more injuries!'

'I do beg your pardon sir.' He reluctantly offered a helping hand and Jarvis took it. Jarvis patted Alfred on the back.

'No hard feelings, eh?'

Alfred glared at him and began to walk away from him when he fell to the floor. Jarvis sniggered and glanced down in superiority (at least now we know who the seme is).

'Bugger!' cursed Alfred tugging at his knotted shoelaces, 'You bloody yank, I'll get you for this!'

Jarvis let out a camp laugh and skipped (yes, skipped) off into the corridor. 'Alfred, stop messing around!' yelled Batman, trying to deter the ever-persistent Joker.

Joker was shrugged off and he fell to the floor. 'Aww Bats, what did I do to deserve this?' he latched onto Batman's ankle.

'Oh get off!' He shook his leg but the Joker would not let go. Batman hobbled along, dragging the purple-cloaked clown with him.

Rogue was still being comforted in the corner by Storm. 'Everyone...please get out...' Storm asked threateningly. She was ignored by the mass of couples and struggling superheroes. 'Everyone, _get, out_.'

She was still ignored. Her eyes turned white and she stood up, summoning gale force winds and a mini indoor thunderstorm, 'GET OUT NOW BEFORE I UNLEASH MOTHER NATURE'S FURY!'

Everyone suddenly left in a hurry, eager to get away from the bitch-fit, slamming the door behind them.

'Geez,' began Loki, 'what crawled up her butt?'

* * *

See you for the Christmas Special!

_Rethira _and _AmaneManiac_


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